After my son was born I knew I wasn’t right. I wasn’t well, but couldn’t tell anyone, especially those perfect mums from my NCT group, all bonding so well with their perfect babies. They could do everything I couldn’t, from breastfeeding to sleeping to playing to cuddles. I couldn’t breastfeed, and then my son had reflux, and couldn’t sleep lying flat for some time. He cried, and didn’t sleep for long periods, as he wasn’t getting enough to eat. I’d had a pretty traumatic delivery. I was exhausted, and felt like a failure. Every day lasted a lifetime, and the nights even longer. My husband did what he could to help, and I contacted my Health Visitor and told her how I was feeling.
I got help, and Sharon was the only perfect mum that I could tell about PND. But I still felt deep down that my son wasn’t happy with me, and would be better off without me. Everyone would.
Sharon arranged for a group of us to have a course of baby massage. I came close to backing out, but went. Surrounded by happy gurgling babies while mine slept in his car seat (felt like the only time he slept peacefully), I did most of the sessions using the doll, but that was ok. At least no one else would see when he hated my touch, or cried. I could try things at home on our own.
But he didn’t cry, and he didn’t hate me, and I loved the feel of his skin, the warmth. And his gurgly laugh, especially at my halting attempts to sing to him. Those first massage sessions gave me something I didn’t know I was missing – physical contact, and the sharing of love between mother and baby.
After one of these successful massage sessions, I got my camera out, and tried to capture his smiling face. One of the pictures I took hangs between my bedroom door and his, blown up on a canvas, larger than life. Full of love, my beautiful boy.
Physical contact with my children is as important as any medicine to me. Whether it’s a back massage, or just the feel of a small hand in mine. I can trace this back to those original massage classes, which opened up a new world for me, a new job. Being a mum, loving my children. Making them smile and laugh.
Facts about Post Natal Depression
Official statistics say that 1 in 10 mums will get PND. That’s just the ones who ask for help. Many more hide their illness for fear of being seen as a bad mother.
Things you can do to help yourself:
- Tell someone – your partner, close family or a friend. Make sure others know that you’re not feeling well. You’ll be amazed how many other mums will own up to PND once you tell them.
2. Look after yourself – try to eat and sleep as well as you can.
3. Find ways to remember the good bits – take photos, write entries in a memory bank, anything that can help you through the dark times.
4. Find ways to get physical contact with your baby – baby massage is perfect.
5. Trust your health professional – they can help.
6. Mumsnet and Netmums both have PND forums, where you can share highs and lows, and get information from mums who are going through the same as you.
7. Remember this will get better.
If you ever feel you are a danger to yourself or your baby get help straight away.
Written by my dear friend Sarah Nuttall
(Ten years after her son was born)
‘My Beautiful boy’